Female Taliban Suicide Bomber Hates The Idea Of Virgins In Heaven

ISLAMABAD (The Global Edition) – Khalida Akhtar, a 20-year-old Taliban suicide bomber, decided at the last minute not to blow herself up at the main train station in the capitol of Pakistan because she remembered that she would have to deal with a bunch of virgin guys in heaven, local authorities say.

Ms. Akhtar, who was dressed in a head-to-toe burqa and strapped with explosives, was seen just hours ago running and screaming through the Islamabad Railway Station before she was apprehended by local law enforcement.

“The young woman realized that she would have 72 virgins on her hands if she sacrificed her earthly life, and apparently the thought made her so sick to her stomach that she decided on the spot to pull the plug on the whole operation and give herself up to the authorities,” police officer Malik Rashid told reporters.

In a statement recorded by arresting officers, Ms. Akhtar explained her decision. “I’d actually never stopped before to think about the reward I would receive for my sacrifice,” Ms. Khalida said. “Unlike my brother and his friends, I’m actually not a fan of virgins. To be fair, I don’t think any woman in the world is. I’m supposed to give my life for a bunch of guys that don’t know anything about the female body or how to please a woman? I don’t think so!” Khalida added.

Qaida manual: Think of virgins when you hear drones

By: Times of India

LONDON: An English language manual for Westerners seeking to join al-Qaida in the Arabian Peninsula (AQAP) has been published, which asks potential jihadists to think of virgins in paradise when bomber-drones are overhead.

Described as a “mustread” source, the guide has emerged on the internet shortly after it was leaked that AQAP had been penetrated by a British spy who managed to smuggle out the latest version of their “underpants bomb” .

The manual recommends on how to cope with the hardships and dangers of life as a jihadist, and includes rules such as keeping clean and not using mobile phones, The Telegraph reports.

“In some cases, you will be staying with a few brothers in a tight room or house. In order to avoid unnecessary problems , encourage yourself and your brothers to clean the room(s) on a regular basis. As for yourself, a daily shower is ideal, but not possible in many cases” , the first section tilted ‘cleanliness’ read.

Another section headed “aerial bombardment” describes the “bee-like sound” of the unmanned aerial vehicles . “If you feel terrified, Close your eyes and imagine yourself inside paradise. Think of your hoor [virgins] that are awaiting you as well as meeting prophets,” it says.

The guide was written by Samir Khan, an American who served as the top propagandist for the Yemen-based branch of the terrorist movement . He was killed by a drone attack in September, alongside AQAP’s leader Anwar al-Awlaki .

Striking Suicide Bombers!

Found, I am not sure where, by Gweilicus

Courtesy: fmft.net

.. suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-day strike on Monday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife. Emergency talks with Al Qaeda management have so far failed to produce an agreement. The unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death will be cut by 25% next January from 72 to only 60. The rationale for the cut was the increase in recent years of the number of suicide bombings and a subsequent shortage of virgins in the afterlife.

The suicide bombers’ union, the British Organisation of Occupational Martyrs (or B.O.O.M.) responded with a statement that this was unacceptable to its members and immediately balloted for strike action. General Secretary Abdullah Amir told the press, “Our members are literally working themselves to death in the cause of Jihad. We don’t ask for much in return but to be treated like this by management is a kick in the teeth.”

Mr Amir accepted the limited availability of virgins but pointed out that the cutbacks were expected to be borne entirely by the workforce and not by management. “Last Christmas Abu Hamza alone was awarded an annual bonus of 250,000 virgins,” complains Amir. “And you can be sure they’ll all be pretty ones too. How can Al Qaeda afford that for members of the management but not 72 for the people who do the real work?”