Tag Archives: Humor

What’s going on?

A driver is stuck in a traffic jam on the intersection. Nothing is moving.
Suddenly a man knocks on the window. The driver rolls down his window and asks, ‘What’s going on?’
The man replied,’Terrorists down the road have kidnapped George W. Bush and Dick Cheney. They’re asking for a $100 million ransom. Otherwise they’re going to douse them with gasoline and set them on fire. We’re going from car to car, taking up a collection.’
The driver asks, ‘How much is everyone giving, on average?’
‘Most people are giving about a gallon
.’

LEADERSHIP TEST!!

While visiting India, George Bush is invited to tea with the Abdul Kalam. He asks Kalam what his leadership philosophy is. He says that, it is to surround himself with intelligent people. Bush asks how he knows! if they’re intelligent. “I do so by asking them the right questions,” says the Kalam. “Allow me To demonstrate.” Bush watches as the kalam phones Manmohan Singh and says,

“Mr.Prime Minister, please answer this question: your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or sister.

Who is it?”

Manmohan immediately responds, “It’s me, Sir !.” “Correct. Thank you and good-bye, sir,” says the Kalam. He hangs up and says, “Did you get that, Mr. Bush?” Bush nods: “Yes Mr. President. Thanks a lot. I’ll definitely be using that!” Bush, upon returning to Washington, decides he’d better put the Condoleeza Rice to the test. Bush summons her to the White House and says, “Condoleeza, I wonder if you can answer a question for me.”

“Why, of course, sir. What’s on your mind?” Bush poses the question: “Uhh, your mother has a child, and your! father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?” Rice was puzzled and finally asks, “Can I think about it and get back To you?” Bush agrees, and Rice leaves. Rice immediately calls a meeting of senior senators, and they puzzle over the question for several hours, out nobody can come up with an answer. Finally, in desperation, Rice calls Colin Powell and explains the problem.

“Mr. Powell, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?”

Powell answers immediately, “It’s me, of course.” Much relieved, Rice rushes back to the White House, finds George Bush, and exclaims, “I know the answer, sir! I know who it is! It’s our Colin Powell!”

And Bush replies in disgust, “Wrong, you Jackass, its Manmohan Singh!”

Heaven and Hell

A holy man was having a conversation with the Creator one day and said— ‘Creator, I would like to know what Heaven and Hell are like.’ The Creator led the holy man to two doors. He opened one of the doors and the holy man looked in. In the middle of the room was a large round table. In the middle of the table was a large pot of stew, which smelled delicious and made the holy man’s mouth water. The people sitting around the table were thin and sickly. They appeared to be famished. They were holding spoons with very long handles that were strapped to their arms and each found it possible to reach into the pot of stew and take a spoonful, but … Because the handle was longer than their arms, they could not get the spoons back into their mouths. The holy man shuddered at the sight of their misery and suffering. The Creator said, ‘Now, you have seen Hell.’

They went to the next room and opened the door. It was exactly the same as the first one. There was the large round table with the large pot of stew which made the holy man’s mouth water. The people were equipped with the same long-handled spoons, but here each person was well-nourished and plump, laughing and talking. The holy man said, ‘I don’t understand.’ ‘It is simple,’ explained the Creator. ‘It requires but one skill. You see they have learned to feed each other, while the greedy think only of themselves.’

Source – Posted by: AsianWoman at e-group.

Better relationship

A man walked into a therapist’s office looking very depressed. “Dr. you’ve got to help me. I can’t go on like this.” “What’s the problem?” the doctor inquired.

“Well, I am 35 years old and I sill have no luck with the ladies. No matter how hard I try, I just seem to scare them away.”

“My friend, this is not a serious problem. You just need to work on your self-esteem. Each morning, I want you to get up and run to the bathroom mirror. Tell yourself that you are a good person, a fun person, and an attractive person. But say it with real conviction. Within a week you will have women buzzing all around you.”

The man seemed content with this advice and walked out of the office a bit excited. Three weeks later he returned with the same downtrodden expression on his face. “Did my advice not work?” asked the doctor.

“It worked alright. For the past several weeks I’ve enjoyed some of the best moments in my life with the most fabulous looking women.” “So, what’s your problem?” Doctor asked.

I don’t have a problem,” the man replied. “My wife does.”

There’s a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking – It’s called wife

Sent by: Dileep Ratnani, Ontario, Canada

When a man steals others wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can’t face each other, but still they stay together. – Sacha Guitry
By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll be happy. If you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher. – Socrates
Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them. – Anonymous
The great question… which I have not been able to answer… is, ‘What does a woman want? – Dumas
I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me. – Sigmund Freud
‘Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.’- Anonymous
There’s a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It’s called marriage.’- Sam Kinison
‘I’ve had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn’t
.’ – James Holt McGavran
Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming 1. Whenever you’re wrong, admit it, 2. Whenever you’re right, shut up. – Patrick Murray
The most effective way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it onceNash
You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to. – Anonymous
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. – Henny Youngman
A good wife always forgives her husband when she’s wrong. – Rodney Dangerfield
A man inserted an ‘ad’ in the classifieds: ‘Wife wanted’. Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: ‘You can have mine.’ – Anonymous
First Guy (proudly): ‘My wife is an angel!’
Second Guy: ‘You’re lucky, mine’s still alive.’ – Anonymous

Pakistan First!

..Like when General Musharraf introduced his ‘modern enlightenment’ philosophy tagged with the slogan “Pakistan First”, a joke was on SMS that his wife complained that he has not been screwing her lately – and the General candidly replied: Pakistan First.

Excerpt from the article “jokes Too Far” written by Wajid Ali Syed.

Source – http://www.wichaar.com/news/292/ARTICLE/15691/2009-08-10.html

Jokes Too Far

by: Wajid Ali Syed

Courtesy: Wichaar.com, August 10th, 2009

You can’t deny the importance of humor in life. One of the first steps to ensuring a nation’s death is to regulate and ban its humor. Humor implies tolerance. Without it a people wither on the vine. Humor is not necessarily portable. People the world over can relate to Three Stooges-like pratfalls and jokes about meddlesome mothers-in-law or nagging wives or hapless husbands. Many American jokes could probably be enjoyed in Pakistan, like this one: What’s the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus? You only need one nail to hang up a picture of Jesus.

Continue reading Jokes Too Far

Humor

A guy dials his home and a strange woman answers.
The guy says, “Who is this?”
“This is the maid,” answers the woman.
“We don`t have a maid,” says the man.
The woman says, “I was hired this morning by the woman of the house.”
The man says, “Well, this is her husband. Is she there?”
The woman replies, “She is upstairs in the bed room with someone who I figured was her husband
.”

Continue reading Humor

An Arab & a Sindhi

One day an Arab came to Radio club and sat in a corner with a worried face.
One Sindhi saw him and asked ,’Why all this sorrow?’
The Arab replied,’ I am suffering from a rare disease and I need a particular type of blood which is available only in India.’
And he named the rare blood group.
The Sindhi jumped up and said, ‘ God be praised. What luck.! That is my blood group . I will gladly give my blood to you.’
The Arab was so pleased that on the next day , he presented a Mercedes car and Rs. 5OO, OOO to our Sindhi .
Afterwards they went together to the hospital
.
The Doctors complimented the two on successful transfusion of blood.
After one year, the same Arab returned to India and contacted our Sindhi friend .
But this time the Arab gave nothing to the Sindhi.
The Sindhi was perplexed and said to the Arab,’ Why brother! You are angry with me!.You are offering me absolutely nothing this time.
The Arab smiled and said ‘No brother. I cannot be angry with you. But please remember. I have now your blood in my veins.’
Now the same joke in Colloquial  phonetic Roman Sindhi script.

Fishing

Two men went fishing. One was an experienced fisherman, the other wasn’t. Every time the experienced fisherman caught a big fish, he put it in his ice chest to keep it fresh. Whenever the inexperienced fisherman caught a big fish, he threw it back.
The experienced fisherman watched this go on all day and finally got tired of seeing the man waste good fish. “Why do you keep throwing back all the big fish you catch?” he asked.
The inexperienced fisherman replied, “I only have a small frying pan.”

Why Bill Gates might Sell OFF Microsoft!

I had recently purchased a new computer with Microsoft Windows as the Operating system (O/S) and was unhappy with the same and writes a letter to Bill Gates, regarding the same.
Dear Mr. Bill Gates,
We have bought a computer for our home and we have found some problems, which I want to bring to your notice.
1. There is a button ‘start’ but there is no ‘stop’ button. We request you to check this.
2. One doubt is whether any ‘re-scooter’ is available in system? I find only ‘re-cycle’, but I own a scooter at my home.
3. There is ‘Find’ button but it is not working properly. My wife lost the door key and we tried a lot trace the key with this ‘find’ button, but was unable to trace. Please rectify this problem.
4. My child has learnt ‘Microsoft word’ now he wants to learn ‘Microsoft sentence’, so when you will provide that?
5. I bought computer, CPU, mouse and keyboard, but there is only one icon which shows ‘My Computer’ when you will provide the remaining items?
6. It is surprising that windows says ‘MY Pictures’ but there is not even a single photo of mine. So when will you keep my photo in that
7. There is ‘MICROSOFT OFFICE’ what about ‘MICROSOFT HOME’ since I use the PC at home only.
8. You provided ‘My Recent Documents’. When you will provide ‘My Past Documents’?
9. You provide ‘My Network Places’. For God sake please do not provide ‘My Secret Places’. I do not want to let my wife know where I go after my office hours.
Last one to Mr. Bill Gates: Sir, how is it that your name is Gates but you are selling WINDOWS?

This is how business is done! Think +++++ve

This is Awesome Father : “I want you to marry a girl of my choice” Son : “I will choose my own bride!”

Father : “But the girl is Bill Gates’s daughter.” Son : “Well, in that case…ok”

Next – Father approaches Bill Gates. Father : “I have a husband for your daughter.” Bill Gates : “But my daughter is too young to marry!” Father : “But this young man is a vice-president of the World Bank.” Bill Gates : “Ah, in that case…ok”

Finally Father goes to see the president of the World Bank. Father : “I have a young man to be recommended as a vice-president. ” President : “But I already have more vice- presidents than I need!” Father : “But this young man is Bill Gates’s son-in-law.” President : “Ah, in that case…ok”

This is how business is done!!

Moral: Even If you have nothing,You can get Anything. But your attitude should be positive. Think +++v.

Some thoughts of men

Thought 1: When we are born, our mothers get the compliments and the flowers. When we are married, our brides get the presents and the publicity. When we die, our widows get the life insurance. What do women want to be liberated from?

Thought 2: The average man’s life consists of : Twenty years of having his mother ask him where he is going, Forty years of having his wife ask the same question; and at the end, the mourners wondering too.
  Thought 3: A Man was walking down a street when he heard a voice from behind, “If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you.” The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was
astonished. He went on, and after a while he was going to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted, “Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you, and you will die.” The man did as he was instructed,
just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him. The man asked. “Who are you?” “I am your guardian angel,” the voice answered. “Oh, yeah?” the man asked “And where the hell were you when I got married?”

This is the best!!! Thought 4
Continue reading Some thoughts of men

Economic Models explained with Cow

AN AMERICAN CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. Later, you hire a consultant to analyze why the cow has dropped dead.

SOCIALISM: You have 2 cows. You give one to your neighbor.

COMMUNISM: You have 2 cows. The State takes both and gives you some milk.

FASCISM: You have 2 cows. The State takes both and sells you some milk.

NAZISM: You have 2 cows. The State takes both and shoots you.

BUREAUCRATISM: You have 2 cows. The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the milk away…

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.

Continue reading Economic Models explained with Cow

Humour and religion – Dr Manzur Ejaz

WICHAAR

The Chinese and other Far-Eastern immigrant communities are the only ones who have been completely reticent about religious matters. Their organisations may voice concerns about civil rights or national but they rarely react if Buddhism or other religions of that area are mocked.

Finally, American-Hindus have caught up with other religious communities in being extremely protective of their symbolic and figurative presentation in the western media. While Muslims from the Indian sub-continent have led the pack, other religious communities have their own ways of reacting to their perceived image in the media.

Hindu religious groups have been protesting over a soon-to-be-released comedy film The Love Guru. They object to the presentation of Hinduism in a comical way.

The ‘love guru’ is a comic character who helps others with their love-life. Hindus have claimed that their religion has been slighted because the character is shown in traditional Indian yogi attire and is shown to have been trained in Hindu institutions.

The producers of the film deny such allegations claiming that the love guru is a humorous character, not representing any religion. However, Hindu organisations rebut with the argument that whenever an Indian has to be ridiculed in American media, the character is shown in a sari or dhoti. And so is the case with the love guru.

Hindu fundamentalist organisations have been on the rise in the US in tandem with the ascendancy of Bhartia Janta Party (BJP) and its parent outfit Rastriya Sevak Singh (RSS). Many human rights organisations, specifically representing minority religions in India, have been alleging that the US-based branches of BJP and RSS have been providing most of the funding for extremist causes resulting in Muslim massacres in Gujarat.

Human rights organisations have also been demanding that the US government investigate this matter but the Bush administration has largely ignored such pleas.

As a matter of fact, these organisations have been extremely quiet about their business. Such a strategy has allowed them to remain in the good books of the American public; the Muslims, on the other hand, have been disadvantaged because of their high profile concerns.

Incidentally, Sikhs have had their own share of extremist agendas. Besides their universal demand of wearing a turban and carrying a mini-sword, they have been fighting on other issues as well, some of them termed trivial. A few years back an issue arose in North American gurdwaras over whether langar could be served on chairs or not.

The traditionalists objected to the use of chairs as a violation of Gurus’ path while the modernists argued that old people could not sit on the floor mats because of health reasons. Several people were killed in gurdwaras in Canada and the US over this controversy. It is not clear how the issue was ultimately resolved.

Religious communities from the sub-continent are notorious for being too defensive when it comes to religion. However, the majority of religious communities from the US and Europe are not immune to this either. The only difference is that they are perhaps more subtle in these matters. Despite being much more tolerant over the mixing of humour and religion, they characterise attacks on Christianity as attacks on anti-western civilisation. The Jews too often make references to anti-Semitism.

Amazingly, the Chinese and other Far Eastern immigrant communities are the only ones who have been completely reticent about religious matters. Their organisations may voice concerns about civil rights or national but they rarely react if Buddhism or other religions of that area are mocked.

Probably, this is because religion is rarely used as a political tool in their region. One seldom hears about communal or sectarian riots in China, Japan or other Far Eastern nations notwithstanding the suppression of a few cults here and there.

One can hypothesise that the Chinese, Japanese and other countries of that region have out-grown the sub-continent and other Asian countries because of their liberal religious lifestyle.

On the other hand, the rise of religious fundamentalism in almost every religious community in the sub-continent, the West, and the Middle East has hampered socio-economic growth. The rise of religious fundamentalism in these areas is surely a symptom of some serious underlying social problem.

The writer can be reached at manzurejaz@yahoo.com

June 28th, 2008

Courtesy – http://www.wichaar.com/news/152/ARTICLE/6473/2008-06-28.html