Category Archives: Humor

Haleem Brohi: The non-conformist

By Amar Sindhu

As a result, none of his work was taken seriously by local critics except for Fahmida Riaz who cited his novel Odah (Inferno) in her book Pakistan: Literature and Society as a landmark in Pakistani literature. This novel was based on the Freudian concepts of male sexuality. “We have this fantastic short Sindhi novel Odah/ Orrah by Haleem Brohi,” Riaz wrote. “It is a minor classic about male sexuality and about the sexual act turning into a terrible mental torture. It has unforgettable sentences such as, ‘I am walking, endlessly, in this thick white marsh, under a mercilessly blazing sun.’” Riaz also mentioned this novel in her recent interview with Herald magazine.

Continue reading Haleem Brohi: The non-conformist

Humorously close to reality!

Daddy?

Yes, son.

Are we going to have a war with India?

Perhaps.

Oh, goody. We will thrash them, right? Like we did in 1857!

It wasn’t in 1857, son.

Oh, okay. But whom did we thrash in 1857?

The British, son…

And the Hindus too, right?

Well…

Did Quaid-i-Azam fight in that war along with Muhammad bin Qasim and Imran Khan?

No, son. The Quaid and Imran were born much later and Muhammad bin Qasim died many years before.

Then who ruled Pakistan in those days?

There was no Pakistan in those days, son.

But there was always a Pakistan! It has been there for 5,000 years!

Who have you been talking to, son?

No one. I’ve just been watching TV.

It figures.

Daddy, why are all these people against us Arabs?

Arabs? But we aren’t Arabs, son.

Of course we are because our ancestors were Arabs!

No, son. Our ancestors were of the subcontinental stock.

Sub-what?

Never mind.You seem to like wars, son.

Yes. I like to watch them on TV.

But real wars are fought outside the TV, son.

Really? How is that possible? What sort of a war is that?

Never mind.

Daddy, you look worried.

Of course, I am, you little warmongering punk!

Daddy! Why are you scolding me?

Because TV is talking rot and so are you!

Daddy, are you supporting Hindus?

No!

Daddy, have you become a kafir?

Keep quiet! No more TV for you! Go watch a movie on DVD or listen to a CD.

Can’t do that.

But we have so many DVDs and CDs, son.

Not any more.

What do you mean?

I burned them all.

What?!

I burned them all.

I heard that! But why?

They spread obscenity.

Oh, God. Son, go do your homework. What happened to that science project you were working on?

It’s almost complete.

Good boy. What are you making?

A bomb.

What?!

A bomb.

I heard that! But why?

Because I am a true Muslim who hates America.

But only last week you wanted to go to Disney Land.

That’s different.

How come?

Mickey Mouse is Muslim.

No, he isn’t.

Is so. He converted when he heard azaan on the moon.

On the moon?

Yes. Because the earth is flat and…

What??

The earth is…

I heard that!

Daddy, do you want to see my science project, or not?

Gosh, that bomb? But your science teacher will fail you.

No, she wont.

Really?

Yes. I plan to blow her up as well.

God, what is wrong with you? Go call your mother!

She can’t come.

Why not?

I’ve locked her in the kitchen.

But what for?

A woman’s place is in the kitchen. I will not let her out until she covers herself up peoperly!

But she’s your mother!

She’s also a woman!

So?

So she should be hidden.

Hidden from whom?

The whole world and Tony.

Tony?

Yes, Tony.

But Tony’s a cat.

Yes. But he’s male.

Son, have you gone mad?

No. By the way, I’ve made sure Kitto starts covering up as well.

Kitto?

Yes, Kittto.

But Kitto’s a cat!

Yes. But a female cat.

But she’ll suffocate.

Oh, she’s already dead.

What?

She’s already dead.

I heard that! But how?

I buried her alive.

You what?

Yes. To avenge Tony’s honour. But now I will behead Tony.

But why?

To save mom’s honour!

Oh, God!

Don’t say that. Always say Allah.

What’s the difference?

Daddy, do you want to be beheaded too?

No!

Do you want to be stoned to death?

No!

Do you want to be flogged?

No!

Do you want to get your arms chopped off?

No!

Then stop asking silly questions. By the way, I won’t call you daddy anymore.

What will you call me then?

Whatever that is Arabic for daddy.

I don’t know any Arabic, son.

That’s because you are a kafir.

Who the heck are you to tell me who I am, you little fascist twit!

What’s a fascist?

An irrational, violent, self-righteous mad man!

W… aaaaaaa…

Why are you crying?

You scolded me.

Okay, I’m sorry. You have to be tolerant and rational, son. Now be a good boy and go read a book instead of watching TV.

I have no books.

Of course, you do. I bought you so many books.

I burned them.

What?

I burned them.

But why?

They were all in English.

So?

It’s a non-Muslim language!

But we are speaking English, aren’t we?

W… aaaaaaa…

What now?

Zionists made me forget my Arabic.

But you never knew any Arabic, son.

W… aaaa… yes, I did until you and mommy gave me the polio drops… aaaaa…

Okay, tell me, can you do me a favour?

Sure, dad.

Can you blow up something for me?

Oh, goody! Of course, dad. What should I blow? A CD shop, a hotel, a school…?

No, no, something a lot more sinister.

Mom?

No, no…

What then?

The TV set!

What?

Blow the TV set.

I heard that! But why?

Just do it!

I see. Dad?

Yes.

You’re so unconstitutional! – (author unknown)

Courtesy: Pakistani e-lists/ e-groups, March 18, 2013.

Francis Jorge Mario Bergoglio of Argentina elected pope

Jorge Mario Bergoglio of Argentina elected pope

VATICAN CITY: (Reuters) – Jorge Mario Bergoglio of Argentina was elected pope on Wednesday to lead the Roman Catholic Church, a prelate announced to huge crowds gathered in St. Peter’s Square.

He took the name Pope Francis, the cardinal said.

Cardinals elected Bergoglio on just the second day of a secret conclave to find a successor to Pope Benedict, who abdicated unexpectedly last month.

(Reporting by Crispian Balmer)

Courtesy: Reuters
http://www.reuters.com/article/2013/03/13/us-pope-succession-idUSBRE92808520130313

Zero IQ Thirty

By: Nadeem F. Paracha

Recent Hollywood blockbuster, ‘Zero Dark Thirty’, was quite an experience. Though sharp in its production and direction and largely accurate in depicting the events that led to the death of Osama Bin Laden, it went ballistic bad in depicting everyday life on the streets of Pakistan.

With millions of dollars at their disposal, I wonder why the makers of this film couldn’t hire even a most basic advisor to inform them that

1: Pakistanis speak Urdu, English and other regional languages and NOT Arabic; 2: Pakistani men do not go around wearing 17th and 18th century headgear in markets;

3: The only Urdu heard in the film is from a group of wild-eyed men protesting against an American diplomat, calling him ‘chor.’ Chor in Urdu means robber. And the protest rally was against US drone strikes. How did that make the diplomat a chor?

4: And how on earth was a green Mercedes packed with armed men parked only a few feet away from the US embassy in Islamabad? Haven’t the producers ever heard of an area called the Diplomatic Enclave in Islamabad? Even a squirrel these days has to run around for a permit to enter and climb trees in that particular area.

I can go on. The following is what I have learned …

Read more » Pakistan according to Hollywood

Courtesy: DAWN
http://dawn.com/2013/01/31/zero-iq-thirty/

John J. Pinto – When in Canada …

By: Nadeem F. Paracha

John J. Pinto, the Caucasian Canadian and Catholic scholar who for some reason became a citizen of Pakistan has reached the Canadian capital, Ottawa, with some 40 billion followers of his.

Speaking near the Canadian Parliament Hall, Pinto told the mega-ultra-epic-mammoth crowd that he had returned to Canada to get rid of its corrupt politicians, parties and political system and impose true democracy with the help of the country’s armed forces, judiciary and ice hockey team.

‘I won’t move from here until I achieve my goal,’ he promised. ‘I will turn Ottawa into Nazareth and send Ceasar and his evil men home even if they feed me to the lions!

Most Canadian politicians in the government and opposition have been critical of Pinto. They have accused him of staying in Pakistan as a Pakistani only to return to Canada on the instructions of those who want to derail Canada’s democracy, topple an elected parliament and replace it with a technocratic set-up backed by the military, judiciary and the country’s ice hockey squad.

‘Pinto is a former failed politician and a spiritual fraud,’ a government spokesman claimed. ‘We know who he is working for, and believe me, it’s not John the Baptist.’

Pinto refuted the claim: ‘I don’t want power,’ he shouted from behind his bullet-proof, water-proof, sound-proof, smoke-free, digital, 60-inch flat-screen altar. ‘I am ready to give my life for my country!’

Continue reading John J. Pinto – When in Canada …

Ya Sheikh and Difa-e-Popsicle Council (DPC)

Smokers’ Corner: Heady in Houston

By: Nadeem F. Paracha

Last week, one of the most popular and handsome Pakistani politician, Ya Sheikh Rashid (sometimes also called the Clint Eastwood of Pakistan), was detained for over five hours at the Houston Airport in the United States of America.

Reports say that Rashid was held by the US authorities due to a tip-off they had received from a memo written by US-citizen-Pakistani-patriot-Blackberry-spokesperson-Honourable-Muslim-moustache-holder, Mansur Jihad, in which he had claimed that Ya Sheikh had arrived in the US on the instructions of the radical Difa-e-Popsicle Council (DPC).

While interrogating Ya Sheikh in a secretly located cigar lounge at the otherwise no-smoking airport, US authorities, after marvelling at Ya Sheikh’s collection of Cuban cigars, confiscated them, leaving Ya Sheikh in great agony and cold sweat.

Ya Sheikh is said to have told the authorities that their actions were against the Geneva Convention and that he will drag them all to the International Court of Justice at The Hague for this outrage.

Following his threat, he is reported to have added: ‘Dekhiieennnn … (seeeee …), I am true Pakistani patriot so give me back my Cuban cigars.’

When one of his interrogators asked him why, if he was such a patriot, he was smoking Cuban cigars instead of Pakistani ones, Ya Sheikh said: ‘Daikhiieeenn … Cubans are brotherly nation of motherly Pakistan. We have historical links with Cuba. Our fatherly ancestors traded on grandfatherly camels with sisterly Cubans during golden age of our faith. Cuba is most beautiful nation of central Asia.’

The interrogator was taken aback: ‘Central America, you mean?’

‘No, Central Asia,’ Sheikh is said to have corrected the interrogator. ‘You Americans are so ignorant. Cuba is located between Kirghizstan and Azerbaijan, bhai jaan.’

Believing Ya Sheikh who was now seriously suffering from cigar withdrawal, another interrogator went in for the kill. Insiders report the following interaction between the two:

‘Mr. Sheikh, what is your relationship with Difa-e-Popsicle Council?’

‘Daikhiieeeenn … the Difa is internal matter of Bakistan.’

‘Of Pakistan, you mean?’

‘No, Bakistan. We Pakistanis can’t pronounce P.’

‘But you just did. You said, Pakistanis.’

‘No, Bakistanis.’

‘I thought only Arabs couldn’t pronounce P.’

‘That’s true. Thus, we Pakistanis can’t pronounce it either.’

‘But you just did, again!’

‘Diakhiieeennn… you are wasting my time. I am here on invitation of Bresident Push.’

Continue reading Ya Sheikh and Difa-e-Popsicle Council (DPC)

The Fall of Geneva

by Hakim Hazik

They had come in their serried legions, by air by sea and by land routes. Gathering dust and glory of arduous distances, hazarding innumerable perils including the incomparable risks of flying on the PIA’s Air Buses, recycled from the Lahore Omnibuses.

They gathered on Rue du Marche, led by the soldier statesman Syed Drone ul Ummat. Their hearts were filled with love for the True Faith. The earth shook with their slogans: O the oppressors give us an answer, give an account of the blood that was spilt. The walls of the city were covered with uplifting and pithy statements: Look ye people Qazi is coming.

When the din of the crowd settled somewhat the great leader took the stage and spoke thus:

Dear followers of Islam,

‘I know that your hearts are strengthened by unshakeable faith and you are ready to lay down your lives for the everlasting glory of the Ummah and the Caliphate. This, the greatest army since the valiant General Tariq bin Ziad, that has arrived on this continent.

We will teach the infernal Swiss, a lesson that they will never forget. They will learn not to interfere with the tenets of Islam and try to proscribe what is our fundamental right i.e to build the domes, arches, minarets and cupolas in accordance with our tradition and our culture. To put loudspeakers on the tallest minaret and make announcements at the highest decibel level to raise money for jihad in Palestine at 3 o’clock in the morning. We are not fighting for charity. We are fighting for basic human dignity.

We have a right to kill, on average, 6 labourers from FATA every day in Karachi. We have a right to pull off the buses, on average, 20 pilgrims and behead them by the roadside on a daily basis. We have a right to blow up the graven images in Bamian which the idol worshippers in UNESCO, in their crassness, had entitled a world heritage site.

Continue reading The Fall of Geneva

The Pakistani Matrix

By: Sabir Nazar

By the grace of God, mission accomplished. From now onwards the 3rd of July would be celebrated along with 6th September, when the enemy’s tooth were made sour (dant khatay kar deye). The word ‘SORRY’ has restored our honourable and respectable position among the committee of nations. It’s a great moral victory of our principle stand on the Torkham Pass and the nation’s victory over the sole super power of the planet.

The sovereignty and integrity of our borders has been accepted and recognised by the superpower and soon will be recognised by our brothers of Fata also, who have been misguided by foreign agents. Here are the details of our victory over the infidel Christian forces that are fighting an unjust war against our student brothers. Like the Ivans before them these Joes are going to face the same fate. InshAllah!

Continue reading The Pakistani Matrix

Humor on current situation of Pakistan – 7th Nuclear Power

There Are Seven Nuclear Powers In The World.1st, 2nd, 3rd, 4th, 5th & 6th Nuclear Countries Are Thinking About How To Do Advancements In Space & How To Make A Permanent Station On Moon.

& The 7th Nuclear Power Is Debating On;

Load Shedding“, “Ramzan Ka Chand“, “Polio Ke Qatry Halal Ya Haram?”, “Iodine Mila Namak Aur Baanjh Pan?”, “Cheif Justice Hero Ya big Zero?” “Veena Malik”, “Rehman Malik”, “Riaz Malik“, “Tuk Tuk Misbah”, “Zubaida Aapa“,

Pakistan Zinda Baad, Pehlay Pakistan Sa Zinda Baag…

Courtesy: Pakistani e-lists, e-groups, 28 June, 2012.

Constitutional Conspiracy against Chief Justice Iftikhar Muhammad Chaudhry – by Riaz Malik

Greetings to His Holiness Highness Chief Justice Iftikhar Muhammad Chaudhary

Dear Enlightened Ghairatmand followers of Chief Justice of Muslim Tehrik League Party and Supreme Leagues of Pakistan (Hamid Khan-Hafiz Saeed Group)

I am even more hurt than many of you at the blasphemous content that is being said about our Beloved Infallible Chief Justice. First it was RAW agent Markandey Katju who said:

“Pakistani court has no right to dismiss a Prime Minister or overrule the constitutional immunity given to the President.”

Pakistani Supreme Court has gone overboard – by Justice Markandey Katju (Supreme Court of India) http://bit.ly/NTQlXh

Just because someone adds Justice before their name, does not mean he knows more about the law than great Punjabi Puttar Patriots like Sharif-ul-Raiwand and Hazrat Imran Khan.

After that a deep Amriki-Zionist-Neocon-capitalist-Masonic Lodhi conspiracy has been hatched to entrap the brilliant but simple son of His Holiness Highness Chief Justice who we should refer to as Ibne Iftikhar out of respect for his infallible FATHER. Everyone knows that Ibne Iftikhar made his money from selling cures for cancer, sewing namaz caps and doing commentary on kabaddi tournaments.  In Monte Carlo casino, he was simply giving a lecture on advanced probability theory.  Along with his female teaching assistant, he was presenting on topics like random variables, stochastic processes and non-deterministic events. There is no evidence; this LUBP Special: Documentary evidence of payments made to Pakistan’s Chief Justice’s son is all rubbish.

Continue reading Constitutional Conspiracy against Chief Justice Iftikhar Muhammad Chaudhry – by Riaz Malik

Saroop Ijaz on Imran Khan and the 19/90 days promise. Lying or stupid?

The lies and triangulations of Imran Khan

By Saroop Ijaz

When the educated, prudent Imran Khan supporter is asked for her views on the unbelievably grand proclamation of the ‘dear leader’ stating that he will uproot corruption in 19 days and eradicate terrorism in 90 days, there are always two slants, often one after the other. The devotee will inevitably begin by arguing how Imran Khan will unquestionably and quite breezily achieve the said objectives in the self-stipulated time period. If the line of reasoning is further pursued (or reasoning used at all), they will gingerly and sheepishly concede that statements might not be susceptible to literal implementation, but making an invigorated comeback, state that he is better than everyone else and has built a cancer hospital and who else could they vote for etc? At this point a smirk breaks out on the face of the PTI foot-soldier; to them it is the clincher. The best argument for Imran Khan is something which can be vaguely phrased as some notion of the ‘lesser evil’. There is some difficulty in grasping the concept of how the subsequent quantitative judgment about less or more is precisely made, once the qualitative determination of ‘evilness’ has been reached.

Let me be plain on the matter, the proclamations of Imran Khan on corruption and terrorism and the arbitrary, flashy deadlines are untrue on their face. They require no elaborate refutation, and a child of 10 having average intelligence should see through them, unless of course they have uncritical love blinding them. This brings us to the question of motive, here again an unflattering binary is unavoidable; either he is lying by design or he does not possess the fortitude to understand and realize what he says. At a core level, it is a choice between deceit and self-deceit. I do not think Imran Khan is fantastically intelligent, but he is decent by cricketer/politician standard. Hence, because he is not severely mentally handicapped, it is safe to say that he does know what he promises is not only undoable, it is impossible that he will get anywhere close to these deadlines in the best of circumstances. The blatant misrepresentations cannot be attributed to Spartan simple-mindedness or childlike innocence; it is done with complete knowledge. Therefore, even to put it at its mildest, Imran Khan is deliberately and consciously lying.

Continue reading Saroop Ijaz on Imran Khan and the 19/90 days promise. Lying or stupid?

PTI will end corruption in 19 days, terrorism in 90 days: Imran Khan

ISLAMABAD: Pakistan Tehreek-e-Insaf (PTI), once in power, will end corruption in 19 days and terrorism in 90 days, said PTI Chairman Imran Khan on Sunday.

Speaking at a seminar organised by PTI in Islamabad, Imran said that his party would not be dependent on the bureaucracy nor would it “waste time listening to their suggestions.”

Referring to the many crises faced by Pakistan, Imran said it was not necessary that a political leadership could not achieve what former president Pervez Musharraf had failed to accomplish, in terms of resolving the crises.

“PTI will come to power along with policies to address all problems.”

Courtesy: The Express Tribune

Sardar and an American

A Sardar and an American are seated next to each other on a flight from Los Angeles to New York . The American asks if he would like to play a fun-game.

The Sardar, tired, just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The American persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun.

He says, “I ask you a question, and if you don’t know the answer, you pay me $5, and vice versa.”

Again, the Sardar! declines and tries to get some sleep.

The American, now worked up, says, “Okay, if you don’t know the answer, you pay me $5, and if I don’t know the answer, I’ll pay you $500.”

This gets the sardar’s attention and, figuring there

will be no end to this torment, agrees to the game.

The American asks the first question, “What’s the distance from the earth to the moon?”

The Sardar doesn’t say a word, reaches into his wallet, pulls out a $5 bill and hands it to the American.

“Okay,” says the American, “Your turn.”

So the Sardar asks, “What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?”

The American thinks about it. No answer.

Puzzled, he takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. No answer!

He taps into the air-phone with his modem and searches the Internet and the Library of Congress. No answer.

Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all h! is friends and co-workers.

Checks the input. All to no avail!

Finally, a long time later, he wakes the Sardar and hands him $500.

The Sardar thanks him and turns back to get his sleep.

The American, more than a little miffed, stirs the

Sardar and asks,

“Well, what’s the answer?”

Without a word, the Sardar reaches into his purse, hands the American $5, and goes back to sleep!

Beygairat Brigade’s YouTube Hit Song Challenges Extremism in Pakistan

Memo From Pakistan: Satirical Song, a YouTube Hit, Challenges Extremism in Pakistan

By SALMAN MASOOD

ISLAMABAD, Pakistan — A satirical song that takes a tongue-in-cheek swipe at religious extremism, militancy and contradictions in Pakistani society has become an instant hit here, drawing widespread attention as a rare voice of the country’s embattled liberals.

The song, “Aalu Anday,” which means “Potatoes and Eggs,” comes from a group of three young men who call themselves Beygairat Brigade, or A Brigade Without Honor, openly mocking the military, religious conservatives, nationalist politicians and conspiracy theorists.

Their YouTube video has been viewed more than 350,000 times since it was uploaded in mid-October. The song is getting glowing reviews in the news media here and is widely talked about — and shared — on social networking sites like Twitter and Facebook.

Read more » The New York Times

 

United Arab Emirates of FATA

by Hakim Hazik

We will soon hold an amputee sports day in Miran Shah. The last one was planned for Orakzai, but was cancelled at the last minute because a stoning ceremony came up. No, no, this had nothing to do with personal toiletry according to religious injunctions. This means that a young man and a women convicted of playing doctor were stoned to death. Great fun …

Read more » ViewPoint

Naraaa e Takbeer

Grass à la carte

by Hakim Hazik

We are, without a doubt the most honorable nation on the face of the earth. An attack on our sovereignty will be resisted with all possible means at our disposal. Haqqani Sahib is our knight in shining armour who will demolish the cruel and heartless American imperialism.

He is the defender of the Faith and the servant of the Strategic Depth, in which we believe with our hearts and with our souls, unto which we hold no equal, to which we prostrate ourselves and from which we seek succour and sustenance. There is only one Supreme Entity superior to the Strategic Depth and that is the Soft Strategic Depth.

It was Daddy Ji Haqqani, who give the glad tidings to President Reagan over high tea in the Blue Room, that the Soviet Union was no more, that the Clash of Civilizations was over and for the world economy to prosper and for Lockheed Martin to get new contracts, a new clash and a new civilization had to be found. It was him who made possible the peresteroika, the glasnost, the demolition of the Berlin Wall, the internet revolution, the New American Century, the Desert Storm, the Freedom Fries and the Arab Spring. We all owe him a debt of gratitude. It is strange that the whole world knows it, except Admiral Mullen.

Even the Foreign Minister knows it. She has laid it out in clear and categorical terms. Any attack on Daddy Ji or Junior will be considered an act of extreme provocation and we will respond with our strategic assets mounted on Hatf missiles and on Birkin handbags. If necessary, we will eat grass. By the grace of God, half the population is already eating grass. This is a morally and nutritionally sound option especially if flavoured with raw sewage, as in the blessed province of Sindh.

We will sell our children, we will die of dengue hemorrhagic fever, we will drown in foreign seas, trying to cross over into Europe but we will defend Daddy Ji. Our resolve is unshakable, our honour is not to be trifled with. We will borrow from Brother Hu and we will borrow from Brother Abdullah, we will buy F16 aircraft with cash payments and with the new American aircraft, we will fight the new American aggression.

The stalwart of the Ummah and the Doyen of Soviet Jihad, Imam Charlie Wilson, (D), Texas, had said that Brother Jalal ud Din was ‘goodness personified’. The Interior Minister was paying homage to the memory of Imam Sahib, when he said that the Brother is a son of the soil. To win the soil, you must talk to the son.

Our faith is growing steadily, matched only by the growth of our population and light years ahead of the growth of our economy. This is the winning formula. Faith combined with IMF dollars, dengue virus, nuclear weapons and a diet of grass will allow us to conquer the world and disprove allegations of nuclear proliferation and spot fixing. This is the formulation which our premier intellectual forum, the Corps Commanders Conference has devised and which the Brain of the Ummah, Maulana Peabrain of Karachi fully approves off.

Naraaa e Takbeer.

Courtesy: → ViewPoint

http://www.viewpointonline.net/grass-a-la-carte.html

Shriek Chairman’s Bum

by Hakim Hazik

My brather Khawaja Saader Feeq thinks otherwise. He thinks it was an inside jaab. He says, they put dynamite inside the building and pulled the sooch at the same time. And no yahoodis came to work! Why did ten thousand yahoodis nat come to work sir ji? I thinks so that is very suspishus. They are very secret peepal. They did nat tell any bady. Nat even Christian

Where you were on nine leven? I was eating Benazir Qulfa near Pani Wala Talab. I would normally go to Mochi gate for Seekh Kabab, but it was tweezday and I don’t eat meat on tweezdays. I saw it myself with my own eyes on tally viyun. The fust plane then the sacond plane. Peepals running like chickens in New Yarak. Tawars falling. I thought inside inside my heart, Allah Pak take mercy, they will come after Brather Usama Bin. …

Read more → ViewPoint

A Must Watch Film

New theatrical trailer of upcoming movie from nine zero production. Staring Altaf Bhai in a melodious movie that grossed a loss of a million dollar yet entertained millions.

YouTube

Feel Good, sad Pakistanis

– by Nadeem F. Paracha

Furry Factoid #5: We have gallons and gallons of oil and tons and tons of coal and gas in the grounds of Balochistan. We can become a rich country but only if the Baloch people stop their occupation of Balochistan.

The Pakistani state and forces have been fighting a bloody war with the occupiers of one of the richest provinces of the Islamic Republic of Pakistan: Balochistan.

This province whose grounds are rumbling with natural wealth and resources has been under the yoke and occupation of the Baloch people.

Some might ask who else this province would be under if not the Baloch people. That’s a valid point. But then do mountains, deserts or cactus have a language or ethnicity? Do oil, coal or gas? No, they don’t. But they do have a religion.

If there can be an ‘Islamic bomb,’ why can’t there be an Islamic coal mine, or an Islamic oil rig or an Islamic gas pipeline, aye? And anything Islamic must have something to do with Pakistan, right? Right.

Thus, what does this brilliant logic make the Baloch people? It makes them invaders and occupiers!

Once they are driven out, we will drive in and become a rich country – a new Saudi Arabia! *goose bumps* …

Read more → DAWN.COM

Feel-good facts for bad feeling Pakistanis

– by Nadeem F. Paracha

Furry Factoid #1: Muslims walked on the moon centuries before the Americans did.

How ironic it is that for decades Muslim children have been taught that it was an American astronaut, Neil Armstrong, who was the first man to walk on the moon (in 1969).

Though Armstrong did walk on the moon, he was NOT the first man to do so. Surprised? Of course you are, because after all we have been taught history written by biased Orientalists.

We have forgotten that it was actually a Muslim warrior, Muhammad Bin Qasim, who was the first man to walk on the moon. And he did so in the 8th century AD!

Just before he conquered Sindh in the subcontinent, Qasim was a young camel expert and amateur astronomer (all before he turned five). At age 15, he succeeded in breeding a special kind of Arab camel that could run faster than the speed of light and also fly.

Qasim then told the governor of Baghdad that he was ready to conquer not only the whole world but the moon too. However, the governor was a tad short-sighted and wanted him to stick to just conquering Sindh.

Qasim blasted his camel and men towards Sindh, but overshot it by, say, a few million miles, and ended up on the surface of the moon.

Being a wily astronomer, he had also invented the world’s first ever astronaut suit and helmet made from, yup, you guessed it, camel skin and bones.

Nevertheless, finding the moon to be a somewhat boring place with little gravity and all and absolutely no date palms, Qasim shot back and this time finally landed in Sindh. Unfortunately his camel died on impact and was buried in what is today Hyderabad in the Qasim Islamic Republic of Pakistan.

After Qasim’s death (from rotten vegetarian food that he was given by Sindh’s scheming Hindus), Muslims lost all the know-how and technology invented by Captain Qasim.

Then in 1960, American CIA agents masquerading as archeologists, dug up the remains of Qasim’s camel in Hyderabad and used its skeleton to build the very rocket (Apollo 11) that took Armstrong to the moon.

Captain Qasim’s miraculous feat was all but forgotten in the mist of Orientalist history, Western propaganda and some bad hip-hop music. Shame. ….

Read more → DAWN.COM

We will bring a Long Distance Telephonic Revolution!

A telephonic address – by Hakim Hazik

We trust in God and his midil cilass apostles. We believe in Hazrat Uzi. We think he biraught His bilessings and piratection to the United nation. His out istanding cantribution to humanity and the Gireat Port City was the Uzi sub machine gun and the machine pistol. This has allowed the rule af la to established in our community which is able to live in peace and fire upon the brigands and sub human ambulance dirivers firam the comfort af their own homes or as they dirive by on their jaunty motor bikes.

This has allowed them piratection and the piratection money, which can be collected, on schedule and with no fuss. This has made it possible for the Gireat Port City Istate to take giant istrides in business and caamrus.

This City Istate is home to the Refugee Nation. This nation was ispecially chosen by God to trek across the Rajputana Desert and populate the arid Arabian Sea coast. It was due to the vision and tenacity of your Quaid that this city rose like a miracle from the uninhabited sands and became the beacon of peace and pirasperity in the region, where peepil live in harmony and islaughter one another in a liberal and damociratic fashion.

As ambulances flit to and firo, carrying the dead and the dying, with sirens iscreaming and biloo lights filashing, we can look back in satisfaction and say with piride that we have achieved what our ancestors had direamed af, by the banks of Jamna. If you want to see a heaven on earth, you must visit Orangi Town, Kasba Colony and the Isplit Hill. This is the land af milk and honey. This is the piramised land.

It was us who biraught the bilessings af civilisation to this backwater. I am the most impartant arrival in this city since Mohammad bin Qasim. Istudents af history will remember that he went back to Damascus in a gunny bag. To commemorate his martyrdom we have introduced this noble custom in the Port City. In addition, we hanour the lucky few, chosen far this tireatement, by removing their heads first. (Their eyes even before that). This custom is another cultural mile istone.

We isport the Kashmir caaz. For this, our nation has made gireat sacrifices. This is the core issue and has to be salved before all other issues. Although we isport the composite dialogue, there won’t be any peace in the region unless United wins the two seats. Only then the issue will be resolved amicably and we shall jyne the gornamint. After this we shall be able to make piragress on Siachen and Sir Creek. However, let this be very cilear: We will never compromise an the kmishnary system and we will never give up the kunda system. We want the mayor and we want the kunda. This is the foundation istone af our ideology.

The Peaceable Governor may come back but what we really need is the Son af the Soil to leave. We did nat come to this city naked or hungry. But if the Son af the Soil is nat careful, he may leave in such an istate. He may have to take Birather Biloo Iskies with him. He can go to Islamabad ar he can go to Damascus. The choice is his.

Courtesy: → ViewPoint

Emir of the barking

by Hakim Hazik

Hundreds of women who would have spent their days in quiet comfort in our serene district jails, because they could not produce four adult, sane, pious, male, Muslim witnesses, will now be dragged through the courts and will have to bear the full brunt of the cross examination of the prurient defense counsel. Any faithful Muslim women would rather die than bear this humiliation.

Ours is a religion which for the first time in human history has given the women the right to be raped with dignity. This is a great civilizational achievement. Empires have come and gone but the condition of the women did not change. ….

Read more→ ViewPoint

Imam Kalashnikov

by Hakim Hazik

The great sage and the poet-philosopher, Iqbal had dreamt of the unity of the Ummah from the Nile to Kashghar. Imam Kalashnikov helped us realize this dream.

Imam ul Ummat, the chosen of God and the leader of the faithful, Sheikh Mikhael Timofeyevich Kalashnikov was born in the sacred region of Altai, in the Vilayat of Russia in 1919. He saw action on the Western front, against the infidel Panzer division, which led to confusion and catastrophe in the legions of the Faith. He retired therefore to his Black Sea dacha to ponder over the grave challenges facing the Ummah. After deep reflection and intense meditation, he was led by the God Almighty to the path of success and salvation. He became the inventor of the AK 47 sub machine gun.

This epochal invention has become the most prized possession of the Ummah over the years. East of Urals, it has achieved an iconic status among countless believers in the Hindukush, Gandhara and Inuds sultanates where Fiqh Kalashankofia has replaced the older fiqhs to provide motivation, peace and comfort to its devotees.

When the blessed Red Army crossed the Oxus, the foundation was laid for an Islamic Renaissance in the region. General Mustache ul Haq was the emir of the Indus Vilayat. He has already established his reputation for piety and justice by executing blackguards who propagated satanic notions of democracy and the rule of law, to spread unrest and rift among the believers. Because of the essential unity of Ummah, he wanted to play his part in the unfolding saga and therefore established five thousand Kalashankofia seminaries across ….

Read more: ViewPoint

Kitnay aadmi thay? — Char

by Waseem Altaf

Commodore Irfan-ul-Haq said that since they came at night hence they could not be effectively countered. Earlier on, the Air Chief complained that during Abbotabad operation the US choppers entered our airspace at night, hence could not be engaged. Well our armed forces should issue a communiqué to all our possible adversaries that all enemy incursions should take place during daytime so that they can be effectively intercepted.

One of the most memorable dialogues of the 1975 blockbuster Sholay was “kitnay aadmi thay” and in reply the bandit ashamedly says “do aadmi thay”, this response turns Gabbar Singh the gang leader, in a fit of rage, who then shoots the three cowardly dacoits.

The outlaws of “Sholay” faced two; the lead pair Veeru and Jai, while the fantastic four who conducted the Rambo Class operation on the night of 22nd May 2011, at Mahran air base were facing elements of 25th mechanized infantry division, navy commandos (SSGN), navy marines, Zarrar battalion of the SSG, rangers, elite force and the police, both deployed and in reserve.

The ground forces also enjoyed support of choppers from above. However those four guys whose average age was 20 mocked a brigade plus strength of the sixth largest army of the world for a good 16 hours. The planning, determination, execution and the level of motivation was simply superb. Two of them fought till death while the other two blew themselves up. None tried to flee and none surrendered. However before being liquidated they had transformed two P-3C Orion surveillance aircraft into pulp. The two machines cost rupees six billion while 10 personnel of the security forces were eliminated. Damage to any other installations is still being kept a secret. This was at the tactical level.

Read more : ViewPoint

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Tuzk e Jahangiri

by Hakim Hazik

I am very sad today. I am crying. They have tacked the Suzuki Mehran Base and killed innocent innocent peepal and destroyed the Orions we loved so much, on which we had spent so much money. With this money the Shriek Chairman could have baught at least ten thousand Qingchis and opened at least three counts in Sweezerland.

Shriek Chairman has gan to Mascow. He has seen the Sukhois. He has ridden in the Ladas. Shahsab has gan to Peeking. He has seen the janyan madels of Qingchis and given the Cheeni brathers the punkha which they are going to change into the helicapter once again. Our determination as a nation should nat be underestimated. Democracy is the best revenge.

We will protect our ideology even if we have to eat grass. Feez Shaikh has pramised that the grass will be free of the (reformed) journal sales tax. However the IMF has opposed gornamint subsidies on grass as it can lead to distortions in the Free Market and add to the already huge current account deficit. Strauss-Kahn Sab has said that he will look sympathetically into the matter, as soon he receives his bail.

The Field Marshall has been quiet. I think so, he is depressed. He sent Pashasab to taak to the parliyament. He was not pleased when Choinisar started shouting mother sister. When the Field Marshall is depressed, Nawab Din Halwai says we should store bread and water. He thinks any thing can happen such as Kargil or 5th of July. May Allah (SWT) protect the bottom of the Ummah from the floggings of illegal dictators and innocent Secty Journals fram the dungeons of the Shahi Qila. Ameen.

There has been an outcry fram the free and independent media anchors, driven by a sense of selfless devotion to the freedom of press and a madest stipend fram the ISPR, that that we should provide spoat to our armed forces. I fully spoat this spoat. I gree that this is nat the time to put the ISI under the control of Malik Sab. This would lead to anarchy, chaos and disintegration and will shake the foundations of our ideology. It is our duty as a nation to accept the sovereignty of God and the ISI over every walk of life. Only then we can succeed in this world and the next.

I think so, we need a regional slooshan to the prablem of Fghanistan. We can sit down with our brathers in Central Asia, Roos, Cheen and Araan and ask the Mreecans to get out. That way we can keep our strategic depth without loosing our Strategic Deterrent. We can keep Hafiz Sab with Lashkar, Qani Sab with network, Headly Sab in Chicago, Mullah Sahib with Shura, and Maulana Sab with Jaish. In this way, my brathers and sisters, we can have our falooda and eat it too. …

Read more : ViewPoint

Pakistan Mlitary help line

Welcome to the Pakistan Army Help Line..

For Real Estate, press 1;

For Banking Services, press 2;

For Construction, press 3;

For Logistics, press 4;

For Agricultural Services, press 5;

For Retail services, press 6;

For Shadi Halls, press 7;

For Insurance services, press 8;

for Consumer goods, press 9;

for Security please call ‘Brinks‘.

And for whereabouts of Terrorists call American CIA

For those in denial please call your approved psychological services specializing in conspiracy theories

Courtesy: Pakistani e-lists/ e-groups, May 27, 2011