By: Nadeem F. Paracha
John J. Pinto, the Caucasian Canadian and Catholic scholar who for some reason became a citizen of Pakistan has reached the Canadian capital, Ottawa, with some 40 billion followers of his.
Speaking near the Canadian Parliament Hall, Pinto told the mega-ultra-epic-mammoth crowd that he had returned to Canada to get rid of its corrupt politicians, parties and political system and impose true democracy with the help of the country’s armed forces, judiciary and ice hockey team.
‘I won’t move from here until I achieve my goal,’ he promised. ‘I will turn Ottawa into Nazareth and send Ceasar and his evil men home even if they feed me to the lions!’
Most Canadian politicians in the government and opposition have been critical of Pinto. They have accused him of staying in Pakistan as a Pakistani only to return to Canada on the instructions of those who want to derail Canada’s democracy, topple an elected parliament and replace it with a technocratic set-up backed by the military, judiciary and the country’s ice hockey squad.
‘Pinto is a former failed politician and a spiritual fraud,’ a government spokesman claimed. ‘We know who he is working for, and believe me, it’s not John the Baptist.’
Pinto refuted the claim: ‘I don’t want power,’ he shouted from behind his bullet-proof, water-proof, sound-proof, smoke-free, digital, 60-inch flat-screen altar. ‘I am ready to give my life for my country!’
This created some confusion as many were not quite sure whether he meant giving his life for Pakistan or Canada.
‘For Canada!’ He clarified.
‘Does that mean you are ready to renounce your Pakistani citizenship?’ A nosy journalist asked him.
‘I’m a citizen of the world. Of Christendom. Of true democracy. What’s in a passport? Repent, fool!’ Pinto replied.
As he was saying this, he began to weep: ‘I had a dream last night. It was a most glorious dream. I saw a light descending from the blue skies of Ottawa. The light hit the ground and on the ground emerged tanks and soldiers marching towards victory and then snow began to fall. I looked closely and realised the big snow flakes were actually white curly wigs — the sort judges wear. Hallelujah!’
‘Hallelujah!’ The crowd chanted back. ‘Change! Change! Change!’ They began to shout, even though most of them were women who were basically demanding that they be allowed to change their babies’ diapers in peace.
‘I’ve been here for hours,’ one such woman who was with a shell-shocked baby told journalists. ‘The government is not allowing us to change our babies’ diapers. This is an outrage! We want change.’
And then it happened. While Pinto was speaking, an aide of his whispered something into his ears. Pinto stopped for a while, threw up his arms and began to shout out loud: ‘Rejoice, rejoice, rejoice! The Supreme Court of Canada has just ordered the arrest of the Prime Minister! Rejoice! Throw your children in the air and then catch them after they perform two somersaults and you perform four cartwheels. I hear the tanks coming. I hear the judiciary puffing its chest. I see an elected government collapsing. A glorious day for democracy!’
The Canadian media went into overdrive. Why did the SC decide to choose this very moment to deliver its verdict in an old case filed against the PM? Was it in on Pinto’s agenda and game? Would the military or a technocratic set-up follow?
A spokesperson of Canada’s Chief Justice (who also doubles as a TV anchor) denied the allegation: ‘The CJ doesn’t even know who Pinto is,’ he said.
The Canadian Supreme Court is situated only a few kilometres away from where Pinto was holding his rally.
‘Oh, that,’ the spokesperson replied. ‘The CJ thought there was a huge baby diaper sale taking place there.’
But as SC supporters continued to insist on the diaper sale theory, detractors warned that the SC’s decision was part of the Canadian establishment’s plan to derail democracy.
Canada’s leading political parties agreed, but were still cautious. However, everyone now looked towards what the party headed by the former captain of the Canadian ice hockey team, Jim Kant, would do.
Jim’s party has no representation in the parliament but does have street power.
During a press conference he put forward seven demands to the government: ‘We have taken a wait and see approach,’ Jim told reporters. ‘But we are putting out a list of seven demands to the government. 1: Hold elections ASAP, that is As Soon As Possible and not America Speaks Armenian Punk, okay? 2: Change some fishy personnel in the Election Commission of Canada; 3: The President of the country should resign. Just for the heck of it. 4: A truly neutral caretaker government should be formed, preferably in Zurich, Switzerland. 5: Five. 6: Seven. 7: One, Two, Three, Four and Five. Dig?’
At the time this report was filed by this correspondent, Pinto was still holding fort and sharing his latest dreams that now included visions of fairies and angels descending from the skies and rewriting the Canadian Constitution according to the dictates of the Bible (King James edition); Jim’s musclemen were trying to convince him to let them storm the Bastille in Paris; the SC was running out of prime ministers to fire; and the media was loudly gazing at its navel and calling it ‘Breaking News!’